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Something interesting happens when we feel that someone has done us wrong and we choose to hold on to a grudge because of it. I’m not saying it’s good. In fact, it isn’t, but the reaction, and the story we tell ourselves, is interesting. Here’s what usually happens:

Someone does you a wrong. It doesn’t really matter what happens, but for some reason you feel slighted and are right fully angry. That anger gives you a lot of energy. You feel in the right, and you hold on to that anger and resentment. You don’t want to seem like a pushover. So you hold on to the anger and pain. You think negative thoughts and in your mind, you’re the strong one. You’re the one hurling all these angry thoughts and feelings at the other person, the one who’s done you wrong.

In reality, the only one you’re hurting with all this anger and resentment is you. And a big reason why is because you ignore forgiveness and instead hold on to all that anger and resentment. The other person on the other hand, has moved on and is living his or her life happily.

And then there’s the opposite scenario. You’re again the “victim” of wrong doing. But this time you nobly decide to forgive the other person. You feel benevolent and righteous. You’re still angry about what happened, Read more

Let’s talk about forgiveness.

To be a little more specific, let’s talk about

• What happens when you choose to ignore forgiveness?
• What happens when you just plain can’t bring yourself to forgive and move on?

I get it — There are times and situations where it’s hard to forgive. There are times when you just don’t want to forgive.  There are times when you’re not ready to move on. Certainly, sometimes it’s OK to feel resentful and angry for a little while … while you are getting ready to forgive.

The important part is that you use your time to get yourself — as quickly as possible — into a state of mind where you can forgive. You don’t want to get stuck in a world of anger, resentment, and revenge. That’s not a healthy place to be!  In addition, it can lead to all sorts of problems — the biggest of which is that it prevents you from moving on to a place where you can feel happy and content again.

1. Ignoring Forgiveness Keeps You Stuck

It’s impossible to move on with your life when you are holding on to feelings of resentment. The saddest part about being stuck — when you ignore forgiveness — is that chances are good that the other person has long Read more

In yesterday’s post we briefly went over some of the negative things associated with ignoring forgiveness. Today, I want to dig a little deeper and take a look at the connection between forgiveness and depression.

There are actually two sides to this story:

1. One involves forgiving, or choosing to hold on to a grudge; and
2. the other involves feeling like you’re not forgiving.

In either case, when there is no forgiveness, the chances of either party ending up depressed are fairly high.

In other words, by choosing to not forgive, you’re not only hurting yourself, but you’re potentially putting the other party involved in a dark place as well. Several U.S. universities have done studies on forgiveness and depression — there seems to be a definite link between the two. The consensus seems to be that when we choose to hold on to grudges and feelings of resentment, we feel less connected and have less room for happiness and other positive feelings and experiences. As a result, depression can creep in. But there’s good news…

Thankfully the connection between forgiveness and Read more

The act of forgiveness is something important — something of which to strive to do more.  Not only is it a kindness, but it is also a very important act for both the person doing the forgiving and for the one receiving it. The simple process of forgiving is very freeing. It allows us to move on with our lives and strive towards happiness.

Ignoring forgiveness and holding on to

• anger
• grudges
• feelings of revenge

can keep you from moving on. The end result is that you feel stuck — trapped in your anger. Without forgiveness, it’s hard to let go and move on. Holding on to that anger takes a lot of time and energy that could be better spent on more-positive, more-fun pursuits.

Anger and resentment don’t make you a pleasant person to be around. Instead, your family and friends may slowly-but-surely withdraw adding to your feelings of resentment and helplessness. In the worst case scenario, ignoring forgiveness can lead you to a downward spiral that leads to isolation and depression. It’s important to make forgiveness a priority to make sure that it does happen. It’s not always easy, but it’s worth working towards.

Another important reason to give forgiveness serious action is that forgiving makes you a better and stronger person. It’s not easy to let go and forgive. It’s not easy to love through the pain and the hurt, but, when you manage to do so, you’ll come back out on the other side stronger than ever.

Forgiveness is an important part of the process of getting over a wrong done to you. It’s what helps you find closure and peace.

Without forgiveness, the anger and resentment will continue to eat away at you. Ignoring forgiveness, Read more

In our last post, I shared thoughts about exactly what forgiveness is and what it means. Today, I want to take a little bit of time to look at what forgiveness isn’t and what it doesn’t mean. There are a number of common misconceptions when it comes to forgiveness.   It’s important to clear some of them up before moving on with this Challenge.

If you were a little reluctant about joining us — or aren’t quite ready to give it 100% — one or more of these misconceptions may be holding you back. Let me quickly run you through them so you gain an even-better understanding of what forgiveness is and isn’t all about.

1. Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean You Excuse And Condone

When we forgive people, we do it despite knowing that what they did was wrong and possibly hurtful. It does in no way mean that we excuse and condone their behavior or that we suddenly agree with them. Far from it. Instead we decide to forgive despite what they’ve done.

Forgiveness simply means that we choose to get past it and bring closure for our own sake. Forgiveness is much more about the person doing the forgiving than it is about the one being forgiven. It helps us to not only move past what happened, but also stop feeling grief, anger, and pain about it. It’s a very freeing experience. Forgiveness is about acceptance of things we cannot change, or over which we have no control.

2. Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Giving Up

To forgive someone doesn’t mean that we’re giving up. We can still work on finding justice or continuing to work towards improving things and forgive at the same time. It simply means that we choose to let go enough that the anger, pain, and fear no longer paralyzes us.

Forgiveness is a very freeing feeling. It helps us move on with our lives.  It doesn’t mean that we’re giving in and suddenly going along with everything the other person does. In fact, we can fully forgive someone and continue to not spend time with Read more

The other day, I came across a quote about forgiveness.  I would like to share it with you —

“Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles,
a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives
you back the laughter and the lightness in your life”.      – Joan Lunden

We all have those days when we’re exceedingly uptight — whether that manifests in clenching our teeth or feeling tense and tight inside. When this is due to holding onto resentment, there IS a solution.

However, it can be a difficult proposition to activate that solution. Sometimes it’s hard to forgive and find our way back to happiness. We feel the need to hang on to the anger and hurt, and get some sort of revenge for the wrong done to us. Yet, often, that revenge never comes because the other person has long moved on with their life.  Or, perhaps the revenge does not come because that other person didn’t realize how much s/he had hurt us in the first place.

On the other hand, sometimes, we do get our revenge. We get a chance to lash out and hurt back. When it’s done, we end up feeling hollow inside, realizing too late that causing more pain does not cancel out the pain we received.

Instead, our time and energy would be much better spent learning to forgive  Having done so, we stop being stuck in the anger and hurt, and are freed to move on with our life. Are you ready to Read more

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you”. — Lewis B. Smedes

Let’s talk about forgiveness and what exactly it is. If you look up the definition of forgiveness, you will learn that it is the act of forgiving someone. Of course, using a word to define itself doesn’t reveal much, does it?

I think the quote above is a lot more telling. Forgiveness involves two or more people — or you and yourself — and there usually has to be a previous incident that requires forgiveness.  You might think that forgiveness is all about the other person.

However, when you are mad, angry, disappointed, or sad about something that someone said or did to you, you are the one who is carrying the burden.  And, for as long as you agree to carry it, you are the one who is shouldering the weight.

When you get to the point where you can forgive and move-on, something truly amazing happens. You realize that the only person being hurt by hanging on to that anger is you.  You might not believe me now, in the midst of hurt and anger, but, forgiveness is much more about YOU, than it is the other person involved.

When you look at the act of forgiveness as a journey, it becomes a journey which involves coming to terms with an unpleasant or hurtful experience.   Once you’re able to come to terms with the hurt, you also come to the realization that the only person you were really hurting with your anger and resentment is yourself.

Forgiveness then, truly a noble act, is a noble act in which you engage for yourself. Forgiveness is about giving yourself permission to let go and move on.

Of course, this can be easier said than done.

Forgiveness is also strange in that it is both an act and a process.  It starts with the Read more

When you have an insurmountable amount of pressure in your life, it can feel as if you are weighed down by a large burden on your back.  This can bog you down when it comes to achieving your goals.

There is Good News:  Fortunately, like most of the problems in life that you will come across, pressure is all in your mind. This means that your THOUGHTS are massively important to what you experience in your life.  How you choose to think about an event –  your perception of it — makes all the difference in the world!  As such, there are some things you can do to change your perception of the situation which will help you release some of that stress and pressure from your life.

1) Strive for Acceptance, not Perfection

The whole concept of attempting to be a perfectionist is pretty pointless. By striving to ensure that everything goes exactly the way you want it to, ultimately, you set  yourself up for future failure.  In addition, you put unnecessary pressure on yourself. This has a counterproductive effect which will essentially reduce your ability to do an excellent job.

That isn’t to say that you shouldn’t strive to do a good job.  Nor is it to say that you shouldn’t complete the job in a time-efficient manner.  At the same time, it is important that you are aware of the fact that obstacles or shortcomings may manifest themselves. As such, as opposed to striving to be a perfectionist, understand that it is normal for you to experience a few shortcomings here and there … and refuse to allow your task-completion to be impeded by them.

2) Others’ Opinions & Beliefs

Some of the pressure that you may be experiencing could be due to the fact that you’re overly concerned about the opinions of others. As a wise man once said, the trick isn’t to avoid hurting, the trick is to not mind that it hurts.

The same thing can be said about the opinions or validation of others: the trick Read more

There are numerous situations that cause stress and pressure. We usually think of causes of pressure as being negative, such as a rocky relationship or an exhausting work schedule. However, anything which puts high demands on you or forces you to adjust can cause pressure and/or stress.

Causes of pressure can include positive events such as purchasing a house, receiving a promotion, getting married or going to college. Pressure can also be self-generated; for example, when you have pessimistic thoughts about life.

What causes pressure in your life  depends, at least in part, on your perception of it. If you see it as pressure-producing, it is.  If you see the same situation as one that can be easily managed, it can. Below are 5 common causes of pressure.

1. Money

Financial trouble is a common cause of pressure. Rent, not being able to make ends meet, or credit card debt can put a serious amount of pressure on a person. In this society, where a lot of emphasis is on what you have and what you can afford, financial pressure is something that almost everyone can relate to.

2. Relationships

Arguments with a parent, child or a spouse can increase stress. When you live together, the pressure may feel compounded. Issues among members of family or relatives, even if you are not directly involved, can cause additional pressure.

3. Procrastination

Everybody procrastinates for different reasons. However, in many situations, you might find yourself despairing because you feel overwhelmed or scared of what needs to be done. This can develop frustration, stress, and unnecessary pressure. Instead of tackling a thought-provoking project in stages, you might find yourself trying to do an entire project at once.  Then, because this approach Read more

As was stated in the last blog post, the Pressure Paradox is  the experience in which the more important a deadline or goal is, the more pressure and stress it can put on you — and/or you can put on yourself — to get it done.

How to Beat the Pressure Paradox

Here are 4 keys to beating the Pressure Paradox:

The first key is to allow yourself to relax even in the face of an important deadline or huge goal. Take a few deep breaths and clear your mind to use to get you started!  Then, take a few more deep breaths when you become overly distracted with self-criticism — slow down, let go of the pressure, and breathe.

The second key is to guide your self-talk.  Tell yourself, affirmatively, that you’re doing fine.  Ignore the destructive voice in your head that chronicle a long, awful list of disastrous possible-outcomes.  Ignore the negative thoughts that, otherwise, cause you to worry.  These forces of anxiety and self-criticism are depleting your overall mental resources.  They, actually, constitute self-fulfilling prophecies that make you less likely to succeed.

The third key to use when the heat is on is to distract yourself. Take 5 minutes and play a simple mental game. Count backwards from 100, or sing a song. Anything you can do to take yourself out of the mental loop of self-criticism and doubt is a good thing.  Try counting paperclips! It’s not the activity that matters, Read more

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